Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and picked his nose.
9. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible’ theme.
10. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ‘Madonna look’ using different size funnels.
11. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ‘PICK ME!’ ‘PICK ME!’
12. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again.’