1. Leave them a different type of “tip”
“My suggestion about their hairstyle is surely more valuable than their ability to pay the bills.”
2. Snap your fingers to get their attention.
They are dogs rather than human beings, after all.
3. Complain about your food after you’ve eaten all of it.
“It was so disgusting that I licked my plate.”
4. Tap them on the shoulder while they’re with another table.
“MY FIFTH SIDE OF KETCHUP IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN OTHER PEOPLE’S NEEDS.”
5. Hang out for an extra three hours after you’ve paid your bill
“And here’s an extra nickle for your time.”
6. Come in five minutes before the restaurant closes.
“It makes me feel like a special snowflake to know that so many workers can’t go home to their families for another two hours just because of me.”
7. Make lots of substitutions so the original item you ordered is unrecognizable.
“Can you ask the chef to find a way to combine the cheeseburger with the fettuccine alfredo? Oh, and no meat.”
8. Yell at them when your food is taking too long.
“You mean you don’t cook the food? AND I’m not the only person in the restaurant? WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?”
9. Stay glued to your phone instead of deciding what you want to eat.
“You know the old saying: first tweet, then eat.”
10. Claim to know the owner and expect free food as a result.
“We went to high school together. Yeah, I was his ex-girlfriend’s neighbor’s cousin.”
11. Let your kid run around.
“She’s so cute when she dives between the servers’ legs while they’re carrying huge trays of hot food, isn’t she?”
12. Use your personal beliefs as an excuse for not tipping.
“Giving others a negative impression of my religion makes me feel powerful.”
13. Let your kids make the table look like a war zone.
“You’re right, sweetie. Pulverized dry cereal adds a lovely touch to this five-star eatery.”
14. Push your chair out really far so that no one can get past you.
“My extra leg room is definitely worth inconveniencing everyone else.”
15. Complain about your seats during a rush when there is clearly no other place for the staff to seat you.
“I am sure that the food tastes much better while it’s eaten at that booth rather than this booth.”
16. Pretend like you’re leaving a tip, but actually nah.
“WWJD? Probably nothing nearly this rude, but I enjoy giving him a bad name.”
17. Interrupt their introduction by stating your drink order.
“How are you?”
“Iced tea, no lemon.”
See, it’s funny because iced tea isn’t a state of being.
18. Make no effort to move your phone when they’re serving your food.
“It’s a trendy new game: If you touch my phone, I cut you. If you put the hot plate on my phone, I still cut you”
19. Call them over while you are still deciding what to order.
“Do you know why you came over here even though you knew I wasn’t ready? Because of my gravitational pull. I am the center of the universe.”
20. Give them a ‘verbal tip,’ but not a monetary one.
“Now they can pay for their groceries with ~*~love~*~.”
21. Make them get you one thing every time they come to your table instead of asking for them all at once.
“I don’t even like tartar sauce. I just want to see you run.”
22. Assume that they know you’re in a rush without saying a word to them.
“You’ll be back with the check in ‘just a minute?!’ We have a show to catch in forty-five seconds!”
23. Make no effort to move your body when they’re clearing or setting plates.
“It’s like an obstacle course, but with the added twist that I sue you if you get sauce on my new jacket.”
24. Try to make a political statement instead of leaving a tip.
“This will definitely prove that I am qualified to help choose the leader of our nation.”
25. Treat them like anything except what they are: a hard-working person trying to make an honest living.