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Nov
14

The Ten Customers That All Waitresses Want To Throttle

Category: Life as a Server Tags: server life, waitress humor, waitress problems Leave a Comment

Annoying teenagers, overprotective mum and pervy old man. Some customers just make us waitresses want to smash your main course over your head…

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There are certain rites of passage all waitresses go through. Text book classics include; being far too drunk to waitress, having your trousers fall down as you’re carrying plates, spilling a pint over your WHITE shirt in front of a busy bar and totally ballsing up an order beyond belief and blaming the chef. The memories I have of my waitressing days are fond, vast and varied, from the day I brought over a ‘cork’ to a Geordie man who’d asked for a coke, to the time I knocked myself out cold on the dishwasher door and ‘came to’ in a sink of shellfish. I can honestly say that some of the best years of my life were spent as a waitress in my local village pub. I can also honestly say that waitressing would be the best job in the world, if it wasn’t for the people. With that in mind, I felt it my duty as a proud ex-waitress to tell you all what us waitresses really think of you and who are least favourite customers are…

Walk-ins

You arrogant bastards. With your egos and your I’m-so-busy-and-important-don’t-you-know-who-I-am-attitudes. No, I don’t know who you are. I don’t care how hungry you are. I don’t even care if you’re willing to pay me more money and buy me nice things. You haven’t booked, therefore I hate you. Just remember this the next time you turn up somewhere without a reservation, the waitress wants you dead.

Precocious Teenagers

We know you’re pretending you’re famous or being filmed for MTV. How do we know this? Because you’re fake, you’re dressed like you’re an extra in a One Direction video and you’re looking at me like you look at your cleaner. No, diet lemonade won’t get you drunk, and yes, just to amuse myself I will put the garnish on it to make it look like you’re drinking a cocktail. We do that for purely selfish reasons as it makes you look stupid, not so you can trick the group of twenty-something lads who are staring at you that you’re drinking vodka whilst pushing your 32A padded tits out.

Vegetarians/Lactose Intolerant/Allergy Freaks

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Yes, there is only one vegetarian option. No, I don’t know how difficult or annoying that must be for you. I’m a waitress. I don’t care about your plight and I’m on minimum wage. Have the steak without meat and quit bitching. And you madam, you’re allergic to wheat but still want the Croque monsieur? Here’s some cheese on a plate. I honestly don’t think starving people of this world are this fussy or would complain of a “swollen tummy brought on by too much wheat.” Go f*ck yourself.

People Who Come In Large Groups And PAY SEPARATELY.

These are often groups of women but can also be; ramblers, church groups or work colleagues. None of them want to be there, they’re normally only there because Julie in accounts has a birthday and they are certainly not going to enjoy themselves. They will always order and pay separately, they are likely to order soda water or a cup of tea and they will treble check the bill, often using a calculator to ensure they’re not paying a dime over what they should be. Idiots.

Old Angry Couples

No matter where the pub or restaurant is, there’s always a really old, really angry couple. They will always insist on sitting at the same table, even though they hate it. They will order the same food and drink, even though they hate it. They may even insist on having you as your waitress, even though they hate you. Well guess what, we hate you too.

Mothers And Their Children

Yes we will coo over your little angels and get you hot water for your milk. We won’t even judge you for breastfeeding or knocking your wine over because you have an infant hanging off every limb. But if you dare… DARE let your children run around and scream in the path of a waitress carrying hot food… on your head be it. It’s a restaurant, not a crèche.

Pervy Old Rich Men

Everyone has encountered a pervy old rich man who seems to think that snapping ones fingers results in waitresses to be at his beck and call. It doesn’t. What snapping your fingers to a waitress actually results in ranges from us using dirty teaspoons to stir your whiskey to us licking your bread in the kitchen before we smile sweetly as we serve it to you at your table. The only reason we’re nice to you is due to the small chance you will tip well. So yes, we may loosen our top button a little and laugh at your crap jokes, but that’s only because we want that rolled up bunch of twenties that’s hiding in your top pocket.

Late Bookers

If the restaurant closes at 10pm, these people will expect a table at 10pm. “But sir, the kitchen closes then” is heard as “of course you can have a table as late as possible then expect to be served after everyone else has gone home.” Well no, you can’t. If you turn up at anytime after about 30 minutes before the kitchen closes, we want you to choke on your food and leave.

Loud Drunk Patrons

In every pub, in all of the land there is always an absolutely hammered local who’s in there, every… single… night. Sometimes they’re endearing and their wine soaked charisma charms you into being polite to them. But there’s always that part of the evening where their wandering eyes and hands take it one step too far. That’s when they’ll feel the sharp tongue of a tired and busy waitress. Don’t try us drunkards, we’re far too sober and stressed to entertain your dirty ol’tricks.

Miserable Fucking Women

When I asked my friend, who now has her own pub, what group of customers she detests the most her instant reaction was this, “miserable fucking women.” I had to concur. Every waitress comes across this vile group one too many times. They consist of a group of women so miserable, they look like they’re in pain. They will never ever be happy about a single thing, they will complain about the ice being too cold, the food being too hot, they’ll even complain about the sunlight coming through the window at the wrong angle. They are unbelievably miserable and were clearly born that way and they are the only customers I’ve ever told to never, ever come back to a restaurant ever again.

Sourced from Sabotagetimes.com

Nov
5

By retailrager

We Are the 20%: What Tips Mean to Servers, Bartenders, Doormen, and Baristas

Category: Life as a Barista, Life as a Server Tags: Barista, server, Tipping Leave a Comment

In this week’s issue of New York, Adam Platt tried (unsuccessfully) to go gratuity-free, as he wondered if it were time to topple the institution of tipping. Here we talk to some of the estimated 20 percent of workers who rely on tips — bartenders, servers, doormen, and baristas — about the difference gratuities make to them, why you should tip for coffee, and how they work their customers.

You’re Welcome: What a Tip Looks Like to Servers

Photo: Bobby Doherty/New York Magazine

Ryan Viramontes, 22 (left)
Bareburger Chelsea
$125 in tips per shift

Tips are our entire wages, really. If someone doesn’t tip at all, we’re working for free. Customers don’t realize quite how far it goes sometimes. All the restaurants I’ve worked at, you can’t talk to the guests about the tip. It’s so weird that it’s something we do depend on and it’s treated like a little secret gift. It’s the worst when you have a table that you’ve been laughing and joking with and get nothing in return. Super-nice people with a 15 percent tip, it’s like, whatever. We’re aiming for 20 percent.

Senami d’Almeida, 37 (center)
The Little Owl
$300 to $400 in tips per shift

In August and certain holidays, New York clears out, so you notice the change in your income. I have had nine-to-five jobs where you make a good living, and it’s bored me to tears. If they said, ‘We’re going to make you salaried and you would make what you make now,’ I would consider that. But there’s no way you would make as much.

Jane Muller, 47 (right)
Eisenberg’s
$80 to $200 in tips per shift

Getting tips is an art. A lot of that is making them laugh once or twice. I have sort of a New York sense of humor. When it’s obvious that you are understaffed, you get great tips. When I was pregnant, forget it! I got the best tips.

The Diner Waitress
Your server is most definitely judging you.

Donna Lillis, 56
Kellogg’s Diner
$300 in tips per shift

Photo: Bobby Doherty/New York Magazine

Being a waitress is like being a psychiatrist. You have to treat every table differently. Most people ask me to recommend, and I never just straight sell the most expensive item. I ask them what they want, what they are in the mood for, and slowly guide them from there. Don’t jump right to it. You have to work it. I watch for the leader—that’s the one who is paying the check, and I’m always right. I’m using reverse psychology. You go for jaws: That’s the big one. That’s the one who has the money. He’s usually the loudest. I focus on them, but they don’t even know that I’m pinning them down, that’s how dumb they are. I love men, but they are so fucking stupid. I use my looks, but then I also use my mouth. I’m a well-dressed, clean woman who looks nice but also has good vocab, so they can’t figure out what the fuck is going on.

With tourists, I ask where they are from right away. The French are the fucking worst. I say, “Listen, I want to let you know”—I look at everyone at the table, because eye contact is very important—and I say, “Listen, guys, you have to know this is how it goes.” I tell them the tip’s not included.

I work hard dealing with kids. They make a mess. They rip up the sugar packets. Terrible. But when someone sees you catering to a child, they will tip well. I make fantastic money with the families.

I recently served a sweet young couple. They had rings in their noses, real Mohawks. I was wonderful to them, and then I go over and see that they didn’t leave anything! It was a $75 check. Oh, no way. I go outside and say, “Excuse me, guys, I saw what you left. Was my service bad? I’m so sorry!” I say all this bullshit but what I’m thinking is, “Why didn’t you tip me, motherfuckers?” He said he didn’t know. I said, “That’s okay, I’m letting you know for the future.” But he gave me $50 out of his pocket. If you don’t tip me, I will go after you, and I will get it. I know who has and who hasn’t got money. I said, “You two are very sweet, your parents did a wonderful job.” That’s my line. See, a lot of yuppies—I call them “money”—I make them laugh. I like these kids, and I get the rapport back, I think, because they don’t get it from their mother. They give me a $20 or $15 tip for a $20 check.

Someone left me 35 cents. I was watching, and as he got up, I say, “You forgot your change; you need this more than I do. Have a great day.” What the fuck am I gonna do with 35 cents? Get the fuck out of here, and that was on a $30 check. You make me feel like an asshole, I’ll make you look like a triple asshole. The ones with the ‘Wall Street Journal’ under their arms, I call them the martini guys. They are the ones who give you 35 cents. Don’t tip me at all if you are gonna leave change.

The Doorman on What He Expects
Angel Morales, 54
Biggest tip: $350

Photo: Bobby Doherty/New York Magazine

I know who doesn’t tip at the holidays. We distribute the cards on the door of each unit on December 12, and through New Year’s I total what we got and what apartment gave me more. Some other doormen are nicer during the holiday season because they want the tips, but the tenants know who does their job all year round. Sometimes I get things other than money: gift cards, bottles of wine. One woman once gave me a box of socks she had designed. The smallest tip I ever got? Two dollars. It was from a little old lady and she gave me $2 in an envelope. Her writing was so shaky it was like she was in an earthquake. You look at her walking and you are like, I don’t know how she does it. I didn’t mind that she was a $2 tipper.

Baristas on Why You Should Tip for Coffee

Photo: Bobby Doherty/New York Magazine

Gregg Butler, 23 (left)
Joe Grand Central
Tips undisclosed

If someone gets a regular coffee, they think that they don’t need to tip. I think there’s an understanding that if you get a complicated coffee you need to tip. We have two separate tip jars; sometimes people will tip right after they order and pay, and then sometimes they will tip when they see the drink and it looks beautiful. Music plays a big role in tips, oddly. Slow, sad music isn’t going to get you good tips. The only time I get annoyed is when people order coffee for their entire office and don’t tip. I’m making six large almond cappuccinos and it’s like, “Ugh.” If you are sending an intern to get your coffee, give them tip money.

Ariel Pang, 22 (right)
Van Leeuwen, East Village
$30 to $130 in tips per shift

My co-worker was serving a sweet couple, and when they left they kept saying, “Thanks, thanks!” Then they just left and my co-worker was like, “That thanks was in lieu of a tip.” I think the over-the-top thanks annoys me more than no tip.

The Veteran on Who Tips Worst, and How Not to Embarrass Yourself at a Bar

Paul King, 33
Owner, Boobie Trap

Photo: Bobby Doherty/New York Magazine

I get the classic rookie quote all the time: “Yo, make it strong,” or ”I can’t taste the liquor,” and they leave like $3 on the first drink just to say, “See, I’m tipping you, where’s my free drink/strong drink/attention?” even though there are 20 people who want a drink as well.

Other bartenders will always be the best tippers. Tourists aren’t the worst tippers, rich kids are. You see, tourists just need to be told to tip; rich kids don’t know the value of money. To them, the bill is a joke, but that line under it that says tip is for the peasant. I’ve heard of bartenders putting what they call asshole tax, extra money on the total, on them. If someone has made you a drink that took some time and took them away from making other drinks, then you need to tip more than a dollar. If someone has made you a communal drink like a pitcher, $1 is not cool; tip like a meal, 20 percent, on those. Oh, and people, please, stop with the change in the physical form or on your credit-card tips. You’re embarrassing yourself.

How Bartenders Work Their Customers

Elijah Miller, 32
B61
$150 to $350 in tips per shift

Photo: Bobby Doherty/New York Magazine

To get good tips, you have to quickly become an expert at noticing what people want … whether they’re lonely and looking for a connection, or whether they are trying to get away from their family. I don’t think people know that bartenders often put their own money into the register for free drinks. This takes a lot of prejudging and educated guesswork about the person you’re serving. There’s a certain kind of person who will tip a whole lot, exponentially more, if they’re tipping on free drinks. When they tip you $40 on $15 worth of beer, the bar and the bartender make out really well.

Niral Shah, 27
Baby Grand
$300 in tips per shift

Photo: Bobby Doherty/New York Magazine

Some of my best tips come from tourists, which is odd. They don’t know the norm, so maybe they overdo it? The drunker they are, the smaller the tip in general. Very big tips make me feel uncomfortable. For instance, when I get $20 with every drink and the customer is drunk, I feel bad, but, to be honest, the longer I do this the less bad I feel. People who tip a bit more will sometimes make an effort to make sure you see the tip. Like, they will hold their check back a bit if they are in a group and all are paying by card to make sure I know who tipped more. The most demanding customers tend to tip less.

Sourced from grubstreet.com

Sep
22

By retailrager