Why Retail Workers Hate Christmas

Words by Matt Huxley

WHAT is this fuckery? Everyone is happy at Christmas! Yeah, no.

It’s that time of year again when every single retail worker in the world dies a little inside. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m this cynical all year round (why someone hasn’t snapped me up is beyond me), but normal workers are merely Grinch-like at Christmas. But shouldn’t everyone be full of Christmas cheer, you ask? The answer is no.

Screaming Children

Frankly, kids give me the shits all year round, but there seems to be a particular abundance of brats at Christmastime when teachers get a two month holiday from them. Seriously, kids these days are so poorly behaved. They scream. They shout. They break everything. They will rip open packets of glitter and scatter it everywhere. And in one case, they will shit on your freshly cleaned floor (I kid you not this actually happened). So don’t go around thinking your kids are all adorable and cute with baubles in their hair. They ain’t!

Christmas Merchandise

Look, I understand the need to sell trees and decorations and ribbon. Really, I do. I appreciate a well-designed tree. I like getting prettily wrapped presents. What I don’t understand is those people that feel every year is a time for them to implement an entirely new tinsel theme. Your tinsel last year was probably fine. You don’t need new decorations. You couldn’t possibly have used ALL that wrapping paper you bought last year (I know you still have some stashed in your cupboard). Frankly, it’s ridiculous, it’s unnecessary, and I’m sick of scanning your multitude of $2 items whilst you run off because you’ve seen a holly wreath that you simply HAVE TO HAVE.

Christmas Carols

This will be a quick one. Nothing grinds my gears more than Christmas carols. I hate remakes of Christmas carols. I even hate Michael Buble’s smooth crooning of them. They are annoying. They are on repeat. You try working a seven-hour day with “Jingle Bells” stuck in your head. Jingle will literally go all the way.

Long Hours

It’s simple. Retail workers work bloody long shifts during Christmas. This is why our black under eye circles won’t go away.  You don’t go to the all-night-shop, you say? We do. We work every measly minute. We are the people who deal with your grumpy ass at 4am when you can’t find the correct gold taffeta three metre ribbon roll, even though it’s right in front of you. Forgive us if we don’t greet you with a cheery smile.

Uniforms

Now generally most workplaces implement a relatively okay Christmas uniform, red or green shirt etc. This is fine. I’m talking about those workplaces that force you to wear a Santa hat/a Christmas shirt/a badge of Santa/your name badge, tinsel wrapped around some part of your anatomy/antler headbands/a flashing necklace or earrings or bracelet or badge and a Christmas belt (or some combination of the above). We feel ridiculous. It’s got to that stage where I will actively refuse to wear a Santa hat on the grounds that it will fuck with my hair. We look stupid and we know it. Just because we are on minimum wages and most likely students doesn’t mean bosses can dress us up for funsies. We’re human, for chrissakes.

There you have it, this is why all retail workers are in a shit mood from now until February. So next time you think about getting annoyed at the fact that your retail worker is a little uncommunicative at Christmastime, think about what we are going through. Feliz Navidad.

Sourced from moustachemagazine.com