In dishonor of Wal-Mart, Best Buy, K-Mart (it’s like Wal-Mart, but even more depressing), Sears, Bass Pro Shops, Dick Sporting Goods, The Gap, Banana Republic, Old Navy, Staples, Office Depot, Michaels, Big Lots, Kohls, JC Penney and Toys R Us staying open on Thanksgiving we decided to run a truncated theme for the first three days of Thanksgiving week: Crappy Holidays. And, seriously, Staples and Office Depot? Who in the F is buying office supplies on Thanksgiving? “Oh no, honey, I forgot to buy enough butter for the mash potatoes! Quick, run to Office Depot and get an ink cartridge so I can type and print an apology note to our relatives!”
So, for those of you that are forced to work on Thanksgiving by one of these fine retailers, here are some creative (or not-so-creative) ways to get even with your heartless corporate machine of an employer.
10. Don’t Flush Your Dumps: Because any customer using a retailer’s public restroom to take a dump on Thanksgiving deserves to walk into a big smelly surprise
9. Don’t wash your hands after taking said dump: And then immediately walk up to customers and shake their hand. “Sir, on behalf of Walmart, I’d like to thank you for using our store on this uniquely American holiday, forcing me to work instead of spending time with my family. Also, you should know that your hand is now infected with my butt.”
8. Softcore Porn on the Display TVs: Hey, Best Buy, consider this your going out of business present! And why softcore and not hardcore? Because, while offensive, some people might enjoy the hardcore stuff, but nobody enjoys softcore, Cinemax stuff.
7. If someone says “happy thanksgiving” reply dryly with, “I’m Native American, and I don’t think it’s appropriate to celebrate the only time you guys were kind of nice to us over the last 500+ years.”
6. Hide all the PlayStation 4s and Xbox Ones before the black friday customers come in. In your face, Gamers!
5. If you are stationed at a checkout counter, do not cover your mouth when coughing.
4. If your store is in a liberal leaning city, get on the intercom and start ranting about how it’s that Kenyan Obama’s fault for making Americans work on Thanksgiving.
3. If you are in a conservative leaning city, get on the intercom and explain to the customers that your employer is ran by a group of communists from China, the former USSR and Cuba who force their employees to work on uniquely American holidays, such as the 4th of July and Thanksgiving.
2. Prank Call your Boss: Why should you have to work on a holiday while your boss gets to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving dinner with his family? I suggest you shoot him a call on his house phone and tell him the store has been robbed or that his teenage daughter is pregnant.
1. Slowly walk up to a customer’s young child, look the child dead in the eye and say, “Santa isn’t real. It’s just your parents buying stuff from stores like this and writing “Santa” on the card. Also, it’s just your fat mom who eats the cookies and drinks the milk that you thought Santa was taking down.”
Sourced from chicagonow.com
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