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Jan
21

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The 10 Worst Types of Grocery Shoppers

Category: Funny Customers, Grocery Retail, Life as a Cashier, retail lists Tags: , , Leave a Comment

Grocery shopping these days is not for the faint of heart. So many choices; so many prices; and so many people. That’s why when it comes to getting groceries, I like to get in and get out as efficiently as possible. There’s just one problem: these assholes.

The Too Many Items Asshole
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
When you sneak in front of me at the express checkout lane, and I look at your cart full of groceries, only one thought is going through my mind: You fucking prick. Everyone else is thinking it, too, including the cashier. I know you are not a 5-year-old, and I know you understand the rules, so I also know now that you are a selfish, entitled asshole. The 15 items or less line is genius, but only if jackasses like you don’t screw it up for everyone. I hope you get a flat tire on your drive home.

The Old Lady Paying With a Check
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
Listen lady, I know you’re old and I should respect my elders, but just because you’re not in a hurry doesn’t mean the rest of us who didn’t wake up at 5 a.m. today aren’t. You probably just figured out how to send an email to your grandchildren, so take the next step and learn how to use a debit card. And if you absolutely must write a check, have everything other than the amount filled out BEFORE the cashier tells you your total. And for the love of God, forget about the memo line, granny.

The Aisle Blocker
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
Excuse me, miss? Would you mind getting your damn cart out of the middle of the aisle so I can grab some Easy Mac? There’s a pretty good rule of thumb to go by if you want to avoid blocking the aisle and pissing everyone off: If your cart is not directly beside you, it is in the way. Furthermore, if you have wandered away from your cart because you are on the phone with your mom who is helping you find items for a new recipe, it is in the way and I hate you. Clear the lane.

Mr. First Time in Self-Checkout
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
You don’t have to be old to be this guy. You just have to be a dumbass, which you are, because you can’t figure out how to scan, bag and pay for the three items in your hands. Typically, two out of four self-checkouts are out of order at any given grocery store, so if you aren’t confident in your skills just go wait in the express lane and hope that The Too Many Items Asshole isn’t holding things up.

The Coupon Queen
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
Congratulations! You just saved 39 cents on your third Stouffer’s Lasagna and got ten cans of tuna for the price of nine. You’ve also wasted a large chunk of your life trying to swindle a grocery store chain that makes billions of dollars out of a few bucks a year. There’s nothing wrong with taking savings when it’s readily available, but Coupon Queens and other “super couponers” are losers.

The Produce Sniffer
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
What the hell is wrong with you? In what world do you need to shove fruits and vegetables up your nose to make sure they are good enough for your diet? You are a weird dude, rivaled only by the The Fruit Molester a couple rows down. It’s almost as if you think you are on another planet, and the only way to tell if that cucumber is safe to eat is to snot all over it. Please buy everything you touch, you freak.

The Deli Counter Sampler
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
Do you see that number on the wall back there? It says 42, and the ticket I’m holding says 51. I’m going to be here all damn day if you don’t stop sampling every side dish and asking for a test slice to make sure your honey-baked ham is cut to the perfect sixteenth-of-an-inch thickness. This isn’t a fucking free buffet and the workers have other customers to get to so just get the medium-sized container of chicken salad like you always do and get the hell out of here.

The Checked Out Parent
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
Some shoppers may find it funny or cute that your son is sitting in the freezer, but nobody finds it funny that your other kid is currently screaming and knocking cereal off the shelf. You may have had a stressful week, and the last thing you want to be doing right now is shopping with your children, but that does not give you the right to check out and let them treat the store like a goddamn Chuck E. Cheese’s. It’s nobody else’s fault that you are daydreaming about life before you had kids while staring at your grocery list, so snap out of it and get your animals under control.

The Food Spoiler
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
The most annoying part about this terrible person is that you don’t know who it is. It could be that lazy looking schlub over there, or it could be the innocent looking cute girl over there. Or it could be you! The Food Spoiler doesn’t necessarily harm me in any way, but knowing that someone grabbed a perishable food item, then decided they didn’t want it, and was too lazy to walk it back to where it belongs really irks me. If there was any justice in this world, whoever did it would get the spoiled milk dumped on their head in the parking lot.

The Still Trying to Pick Up Chicks at the Grocery Store Scumbag
worst grocery shoppers, grocery store assholes
You’re gross. You’re creepy. Everyone thinks you suck. To top it off, you’re the worst of the worst when it comes to asshole grocery shoppers. Please go home immediately.

Sourced from mandatory.com

 

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Jan
4

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WHAT PEOPLE IN RETAIL REALLY THINK ABOUT YOU.

Category: Life as a Cashier, retail lists, Retail Stories Tags: , , Leave a Comment

11. Learn how to answer, “how are you doing today?”

I never knew the question, “hi, how are you doing today?” could cause so much confusion until I started working in retail.  I’ve learned that about a quarter of people have no idea how to properly respond to such a seemingly simple inquiry.  Here is a list of responses that don’t count as suitable answers to the obligatory greeting here in the United States:

  • “Just looking.”
  • “No.”
  • “Yes.”
  • “Where is [insert product here].”
  • “I’ll get you when I need you.”
  • “Fine.”
  • “I’m not stealing anything.”

Nonverbal replies that don’t count are grunts, sighs of annoyance, and total silence.  But the one that completely irritates me is a swat of the hand.  Don’t you dare silently swat your hand at me a few times to tell me to go away when all I did was greet you.  I’m not a fly you need to swish away so please open your mouth and use your words if you’re going to be so barbarous.

So remember, the polite answer to “how are you doing today?” is something along the lines of “pretty good, thanks.”  I didn’t personally create our culture’s insistence upon inquiring about your mood as a form of a polite greeting, but I participate in this absurdity anyway.  Since I do count as a human being (contrary to popular belief that salespeople are people too), proper etiquette dictates that you give me a polite reply.  I don’t want your life story; I just want some respect.

Why hello! My company hires hotties to get you to stop blowing us off.

10. It’s not our fault when you do something REALLY stupid.

Yesterday I saw something in other workplace that was too funny not to share.  I was at a small coffee shop that has a large glass pane at its front; it stretches from the floor to the ceiling and it can look like a door at first glance.  The employees had posted a sign on it reading, “this is not a door.”  I asked them if they had a lot of customers who would walk into the window and they said it would happen multiple times a day before they put up the warning sign.*  This would be funny enough to watch and walking into a glass pane would definitely be a stupid move, but most of us wouldn’t really judge you beyond laughing since accidents do happen; besides, we all have done something equally mindless and embarrassing.

However, the employees added that their main motivation for putting up the sign was due to the occasional flustered glass-smasher who would further humiliate himself by blaming the coffee shop afterward.  “This is unbelievable!  How was I supposed to know it’s not a door?  You guys should really put a door right here!  I’m going to call your owner and give him a piece of my mind!”  Of course, anyone in the shop who didn’t see him face-plant into the glass was now aware that he just did so after he announced his indignation at the top of his lungs.  Supposedly one (in all likelihood former) customer even threatened to sue.

The moral of the story is:  if you make an ass out of yourself while shopping, don’t blame the employees or the store.  It’s YOUR fault.  Causing a scene and trying to shift the blame just makes you look obtuse since no one else believes you’re a victim.

Businesses are out to get you with deceptive doors.

*Apparently it did happen one time after they put up the sign.  The customer bumped into the glass and then testily scolded them that they should put up a warning sign before someone got hurt.

Being perky comes with the territory of working in retail. It’s not so much that I’m being fake; it’s just that most people would rather be helped by someone who is friendly and upbeat instead of someone who is jaded and crabby.

However, that does not give you the liscense to openly mock me back by mimicking me in an exaggerated manner. It doesn’t make you funny or clever; it makes you a douche. Does it make you feel good to treat people who can’t defend themselves like crap? Do you miss being the junior high bully?

Now I get to have the last laugh. See, I won’t help you now. I get to watch you frantically look for something that’s sitting right in front of your face. Too bad you’re too stupid to find it in your own.

 8. Think before you speak.

Me:  “Hello, what can I help you find today?”
Customer:  “I’m looking for something I know you guys don’t even carry anymore.”

I just don’t know how to respond to these types of customers.  Did she expect me to magically pull whatever she was looking for out of my ass?  All I could manage was an, “oh…I see,” but I guess that’s much better than asking her back if she ever powers up her brain before opening her mouth.  Besides, I already know the answer to that is a resounding no.

7. Stay out of the doorway.

Next time you walk into a store, look above or at the sides of the doorway. See that small box with a blinking light? That’s called a traffic counter. It counts every person who walks through the door and calculates a store’s conversion by dividing the number of transactions by the number of traffic. Most businesses are absolutely obsessed with conversion; they think that each person who walks through the door will do so only once and has the potential to purchase something. Most people with average reasoning skills can realize how illogical this is, but then again I have a theory that most businesses are run by chimps.

So please don’t come into our store four times before you decide to buy something. I know you’re only one person but our company considers you to be four potential customers at this point. And don’t bring in your two other friends when you need to make a return; they can wait outside for you. If you really need to drag your husband shopping, don’t let him awkwardly stand in the doorway since his rocking back and forth makes it look like I’m doing my best to offend potential customers instead of meet their needs in the moronic eyes of my company. Please don’t hang out in the doorway on your cellphone, I know it’s “quieter” but you’re really screwing with our store’s numbers for the hour. And you may think it’s cute that your kid keeps running in and out of the door, but guess what? My company counts him as a potential paying customer each time he passes the threshold.

It’s a ridiculous idea, but apparently my Regional Manager doesn’t consider it to be when she comes in screaming. In the retail world, low conversion obviously must mean we’re too busy trying to fit our heads up our own asses instead of attending to customers. So please be more considerate when walking into a store. Something that small and simple transforms my Regional Manager into a banshee and can ultimately cost me my job.

Conversion: worst idea since The Holocaust.

Some of you think the phrase, “can’t you just look it up in the system?” can persuade us to access our all-powerful and all-knowing database that keeps track of every single piece of information that has ever been relevant to our company in the history of time.  I’m sure our company bigwigs would be flattered, but such a system does not exist.  Our “system” (if one could call it that) is about as technologically advanced as a Windows 3.0 computer hooked up to Usenet and I’m sure we’re better off than many retail businesses out there.  If you want a cutting edge “system”, go to the Apple Store; you won’t find it here.

So no, we can’t look up your gift card in our “system”.  I don’t know how that would be possible even with the Apple Store’s technology since gift cards aren’t linked to personal information.  Repetitively insisting that I look it up in our “system” isn’t going to change the fact that what you’re asking is completely absurd.  Now, by chance did you happen to memorize that sixteen digit number on the back and the three digit pin?  No?  Sorry, there’s nothing I can do for you.

Hi, I’m a gift card and I’m not in the “system”.

5. Keep your ridiculous requests to a minimum.

Me:  “M’am, I’m really sorry but we’re all sold out of the product you’re looking for.  Now we have a few options–“

Customer:  “Can you look it up in your computers and see if another store has it?

Me:  Yeah right, as if our company would ever realize we’ve left the 80s and implement an electronic inventory. “We actually don’t have a way to look it up.  What I can do is call a couple of our stores nearby.”

[I call a few of our local stores and fortunately one about 10 miles away has what the customer has requested.]

Me:  “Our store in ________ has some in stock.  I had the associate put one on hold for you under your name.  Just ask for Andrew, he knows you’ll be coming by.  Do you need directions and the store’s phone number?”

Customer:  “Well, can’t you go pick it up and bring it here for me?”

Me:  Wait…what. “I’m sorry, I can’t actually do that.”

Customer:  “Why not?”

Me:  Because what you’re buying is only $6 and it would cost me more in gas money?  Because it would take me about two hours right now thanks to rush hour traffic?  Because the company would not reimburse me for making the drive?  Because that’s absolutely ridiculous? “It’s against company policy and I’m the only person in the store right now.  If you really don’t want to make the drive, you can always make the purchase online and have it shipped to your house.”

Customer:  “You guys have done it for me before.  Sarah at _________ went to _________ and brought me what I needed last January.”

Me:  ???  There’s no way she did that for you. “If she did do that she went against company policy.  And besides, those two stores are a five minute walk from each other.  If you want I can give her a call and ask her if she did do that since I know she’s at work today.”

Customer:  “No no no, don’t do that.  I don’t think I want it anymore.  Whatever happened to good customer service?  You guys are horrible; I’m never shopping here again!”

There’s no way in hell I’ll drive to pick something up for you.

4. Don’t expect to make impossible returns.

I don’t care how much you whine, call me a liar, and threaten to never come back, but I cannot give you cash back when you’re returning something you bought with a credit card.  Don’t try to persuade me that you do it here all the time; you don’t.  Don’t try to convince me that we’re the only store that won’t let you do this; that is complete crap.  No one thought you looked cool when you ripped up your receipt, threw the pieces everywhere, yelled about how much you hate us, and stormed out.

I cannot give you cash back when you don’t have your receipt.  No, I can’t just “trust you.”  No, I don’t care that you would have no use for merchandise credit since apparently you’re a freak of nature who never uses any of the thousands of every day things we sell.  And no, you can’t hang out in the store for fifteen minutes while trying to sell your merchandise credit for cash.  How the hell is that acceptable behavior?

Yelling at me isn’t going to change the fact that the item you’re trying to return is only worth $0.50 now.  Maybe you shouldn’t have waited 2.5 years before getting around to returning it.  No, I don’t believe that you originally bought it for $45; I know for the fact it sold for $25 full price.  No, I don’t believe you just bought it in our store last week since we haven’t had this item for over a year now.

I don’t make the rules so stop acting like I’m out to get you.  It’s not like I’m making commission by refusing to do your ridiculous returns exactly how you want them.  Where is this so-called return policy, you smugly demand?  It’s on the front of your receipt, the back of your receipt, next to the cash registers, and online.  Now get the hell out before I tattoo it on your face too.

 

3. Signs are for reading.

You walk into the store, oblivious to the huge posters in the windows and multiple banners hanging inside.  You start looking at your product of choice while ignoring all six of the promotional signs just within your line of vision.  You start complaining loudly to yourself about how the products you want are not on sale.  The salesperson recognizes that it’s probably not your fault that you’re illiterate and explains the promotion that applies to your coveted products.  You still don’t understand.  The salesperson walks you through it three more times, using detailed examples and your desired products as props.  You snap back that maybe they should just put up signs.  The salesperson kindly points out the closest sign, which is sitting at eye level about two feet away.  You attempt to read it over a few more times and complain that you still don’t understand, so a nine-year-old shopping nearby explains it to you.  You’re still confused, so you drop your shopping basket in the middle of the floor and leave the store wondering why they couldn’t just put up a couple of signs.

Reading is way too hard.

2. Finish your sentence.

Don’t answer “can I help you find anything?” with “yeah, I’m uhh, [unintelligible mumble] mmm…”  Is that a yes?  A no?  Now you’re just staring at me blankly and I have no idea what to do.  I don’t want to interrupt you just in case you’re eventually going to finish your sentence.  I don’t want to make you irate just because you presume what came out of your mouth was coherent.  Or maybe you forgot I was even talking to you?  The awkwardness of this encounter is excruciating.

Also, don’t do the trail-off while walking away from me.  Are you wanting me to follow you or are you going to snap at me when I try to figure out if what you were mumbling was intended for me or oh, maybe say for your purse?  Of course, you were talking to your purse.  I should’ve known.

Is this seriously how you communicate with most people?  If so, I can’t imagine how you’ve managed to function up to this point.

1. Stop sniffing the packaging.

Don’t hold a sealed product up to your nose, take a deep whiff, and then complain that you can’t smell anything.  Of course you can’t smell it; IT’S CALLED PACKAGING.

Or worse yet, don’t tell me that it smells like plastic and not “Island Tropics” as labeled.  Really?  Unopened plastic packaging smells like plastic?  Have all of those pthalates you’ve inhaled eaten away at your brain?

Next time you go into a store, try opening something before you smell it and make an insightful comment.  The salespeople may certify you as a genius on the spot.

Apparently it’s much more difficult than it looks.

 

Sourced from retailpolice.wordpress.com

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Jan
2

By

You know you work at a Grocery Store and hate it when

Category: confessions, Life as a Cashier, retail lists Tags: , , , Leave a Comment

This is kind of like a you know you work at a grocery store and hate it when. . . type thing.  Please add to the list in the comments section below…

The List of Pet Peeves:

1) I find you irratating when you’re on your phone and I’m trying to talk to you and ask you questions. You’re a rude person.
2) I hate when people spin our little code bar that stands above our keyboard. It is not slot machine sir, you will not win but I might punch you in the face.
3) I hate it when you can’t believe that I’m carding you even though you’re this __ old. I do not care, it’s a law and I’m not breaking it for you.
4) I hate it when you give me a hard time about a price being ten cents off what the sign said on the shelf. Does it look like that’s my job? No I am a cashier, my name badge says so.
5) I hate it when I start bagging an order and they all of a sudden want paper bags, or they brought there own bags. Putting them at the beginning of the order or asking would’ve been nice.
6) I hate it when I get yelled at for forgetting to take the credits off for your bags. You get three cents a bag and only used two, wait I’ll give you six cents out of my damn pocket if it’ll make you stop crying about it.
7) I hate when I get through a whole order, the customer pays and then pulls out coupons that they forget. (Note: when you hear them go ‘Oh shoot’ as your back is turned to finish the order that means they forgot something and you might brace yourself for anger) because you then have to flash for a supervisor so they can put them in for you or tell them to go to the service desk. They think that’s taking time out of their valuable lives when really you could’ve just gone through three orders already if they didn’t hold you up.
8) I actually just hate reusable bags, I get that they are great for the enviroment but they are annoying to bag with and I believe the customer should bag their own order at that point.
9) I hate it when the customer needs to pay in ten million different ways.
10) I hate it when the customer comes through with a hundred dollar order and goes ‘shoot I only have 65 dollars.’ Guess you should’ve been keeping track of that now huh?
11) I hate it when a customer is in a hurry but they decide to go grocery shopping and then get pissed at you because of how busy it is. (Note: To those people who do that. How about you wait till after you get to wherever the hell it is you’re going to, to go shopping. Because I promise you the world hates you so much that it’ll be busy if you’re just popping in for one thing. It’s not like other people exist and need food.)
12) I hate it when people say something they think is clever but I’ve actually heard a million times. For instance: “Shoot I saved 10 cents, I can go far with that!” Ha ha. Pretty sure that’s been done before.
13) I hate it when people read my name tag and go. “OH like hopalong Cassidy.” Heard that a milllllion times (similar to number 12)
14) I hate it when people scan their own advantage cards. Whoa. This is my job, and THIS side of the register is mine, my bubble, get out.
15) I hateee it when people try to tell me how to do my job (when people give me the price of something that actually has to be weighed. . . that doesnt help.) or when they tell you that you scanned something in twice but you already caught it and voided it out. (There’s a line that goes right through it, it’s thin but visible. Just look.)
16) I hate it when people bring in their SCREAMING child and don’t do anything about it. Take them outside, tell them to shut up or just don’t bring them to a grocery store. I find it rude of you to wait in line with your screaming child and I can’t assit my customer because I can’t hear them.
17) I hate the fact that we have to tuck in our shirts. I have a bit of pudge, it doesn’t look so good with a tucked in shirt.
18) I hate that we can’t dye our hair because it’s unprofessional. I’m just a part time cashier and my hair should be the least of a customers problem, at least I’m not a bitch to them. In fact I’m the nicest and hardest worker in the store.
19) I hate it when I see a child eating an apple or banana that their parent gave to them. Those have to be weighed to be bought, so you basically are letting your child eat a stolen item in front of me and I’m pissed.
20) I hate it when people take forever to write out a check when you tell them that all they have to do is sign it and they’re going to get it right back.
21) I hate when people swipe they’re cards in a million times but the card doesn’t take and they get pissed, it’s because you’re going to fast and oh look at the screen it’s asking you to press a button. . . pay attention.
22) I hate it when people don’t use the dividers and I start scanning another persons order. Don’t fuckingggg get pissed at me because you don’t understand what these BRIGHT green little rectangular boxes are for. Oh and another tip. It’s called the Void button, *poof* the item vanished from your order. All better.
23) I hate it when people watch me press the subtotal button and they’re not finished with their order and freak out like the register is automatically going to think they’re done and pay for itself. Nope I need your cash or credit card to do that.
24) I hate when there are maybe five-six registers open and we’re starting to get lines and someone has the balls to ask me if we’re going to open another one anytime soon. We’re doing the best we can. We only have a certain amount of help during the day, there’s not a lot we can do and I’m sure you can wait. Why would you come to a grocery store and not expect there to be people?
25) I hate hate hateee when people ask me why I dont have a bagger. We literally have two baggers a day, express cashiers don’t get baggers and the two that are here have to go back and forth and bag for the 6 other registers that are open. Your arms aren’t broken, you’re not lazy. Bag your own damn groceries. The nerve of people.

 

Sourced from cassidydoris.blogspot.co.uk

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