Grocery shopping these days is not for the faint of heart. So many choices; so many prices; and so many people. That’s why when it comes to getting groceries, I like to get in and get out as efficiently as possible. There’s just one problem: these assholes.
The Too Many Items Asshole
When you sneak in front of me at the express checkout lane, and I look at your cart full of groceries, only one thought is going through my mind: You fucking prick. Everyone else is thinking it, too, including the cashier. I know you are not a 5-year-old, and I know you understand the rules, so I also know now that you are a selfish, entitled asshole. The 15 items or less line is genius, but only if jackasses like you don’t screw it up for everyone. I hope you get a flat tire on your drive home.
The Old Lady Paying With a Check
Listen lady, I know you’re old and I should respect my elders, but just because you’re not in a hurry doesn’t mean the rest of us who didn’t wake up at 5 a.m. today aren’t. You probably just figured out how to send an email to your grandchildren, so take the next step and learn how to use a debit card. And if you absolutely must write a check, have everything other than the amount filled out BEFORE the cashier tells you your total. And for the love of God, forget about the memo line, granny.
The Aisle Blocker
Excuse me, miss? Would you mind getting your damn cart out of the middle of the aisle so I can grab some Easy Mac? There’s a pretty good rule of thumb to go by if you want to avoid blocking the aisle and pissing everyone off: If your cart is not directly beside you, it is in the way. Furthermore, if you have wandered away from your cart because you are on the phone with your mom who is helping you find items for a new recipe, it is in the way and I hate you. Clear the lane.
Mr. First Time in Self-Checkout
You don’t have to be old to be this guy. You just have to be a dumbass, which you are, because you can’t figure out how to scan, bag and pay for the three items in your hands. Typically, two out of four self-checkouts are out of order at any given grocery store, so if you aren’t confident in your skills just go wait in the express lane and hope that The Too Many Items Asshole isn’t holding things up.
The Coupon Queen
Congratulations! You just saved 39 cents on your third Stouffer’s Lasagna and got ten cans of tuna for the price of nine. You’ve also wasted a large chunk of your life trying to swindle a grocery store chain that makes billions of dollars out of a few bucks a year. There’s nothing wrong with taking savings when it’s readily available, but Coupon Queens and other “super couponers” are losers.
The Produce Sniffer
What the hell is wrong with you? In what world do you need to shove fruits and vegetables up your nose to make sure they are good enough for your diet? You are a weird dude, rivaled only by the The Fruit Molester a couple rows down. It’s almost as if you think you are on another planet, and the only way to tell if that cucumber is safe to eat is to snot all over it. Please buy everything you touch, you freak.
The Deli Counter Sampler
Do you see that number on the wall back there? It says 42, and the ticket I’m holding says 51. I’m going to be here all damn day if you don’t stop sampling every side dish and asking for a test slice to make sure your honey-baked ham is cut to the perfect sixteenth-of-an-inch thickness. This isn’t a fucking free buffet and the workers have other customers to get to so just get the medium-sized container of chicken salad like you always do and get the hell out of here.
The Checked Out Parent
Some shoppers may find it funny or cute that your son is sitting in the freezer, but nobody finds it funny that your other kid is currently screaming and knocking cereal off the shelf. You may have had a stressful week, and the last thing you want to be doing right now is shopping with your children, but that does not give you the right to check out and let them treat the store like a goddamn Chuck E. Cheese’s. It’s nobody else’s fault that you are daydreaming about life before you had kids while staring at your grocery list, so snap out of it and get your animals under control.
The Food Spoiler
The most annoying part about this terrible person is that you don’t know who it is. It could be that lazy looking schlub over there, or it could be the innocent looking cute girl over there. Or it could be you! The Food Spoiler doesn’t necessarily harm me in any way, but knowing that someone grabbed a perishable food item, then decided they didn’t want it, and was too lazy to walk it back to where it belongs really irks me. If there was any justice in this world, whoever did it would get the spoiled milk dumped on their head in the parking lot.
The Still Trying to Pick Up Chicks at the Grocery Store Scumbag
You’re gross. You’re creepy. Everyone thinks you suck. To top it off, you’re the worst of the worst when it comes to asshole grocery shoppers. Please go home immediately.
Sourced from mandatory.com
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