YOU: I’d like to buy this “Dinosaur Jr. Best Of” CD
ELITIST PRICK: Tss. Why buy a Best Of? If you really like them, why not buy all their records?
YOU: I’m a fan of theirs, but I don’t know if I want to buy all their…
ELITIST PRICK: So you just like the “popular” hits? You don’t deserve to be a Dinosaur Jr. fan. You should probably just listen to Top 40.
YOU: Top 40? Why do you sell this CD if you hate it so much?
ELITIST PRICK: I just work here, man. My boss buys this shit so he can cash in on you fairweather nancy boys. You want me to get you a Boyz II Men CD to go with this?
ELITIST PRICK: You make me sick. Is that a Sonic Youth shirt?
YOU: Yeah, I love th…
ELITIST PRICK: We don’t sell any Sonic Youth “Greatest Hits” records here. Sorry.
YOU: But, I own everything…
ELITIST PRICK: Get out of my store.
YOU: I’m looking for picture frames.
YOU: Picture frames. I know you know where they are. Just give me something to go on.
STONER: I ha, prolly like, past those soft things then go around the curvy part I think.
YOU: Soft things? Pillows? What curvy part? I need you to be more specific.
STONER: I don’t know, dude, just like, you know that one part. I dunno.
YOU: You do know! You can do this! Come on!
I’m buying jeans, not going into cardiac arrest, therefore I don’t need someone coming up to me every thirty seconds asking if everything is okay. Every time you touch anything in the store he reacts as if you’re a retarded child wandering through a grenade factory.
(You’re looking at a pair of jeans)
CHECK IN: Everything okay?
YOU: Yeah, just looking.
(CHECK IN moves away, you pick up a pair of jeans)
CHECK IN: Here, let me help you with that, those can be tricky.
YOU: No, that’s okay I can hold these jeans myself. These jeans aren’t that tricky.
(You put away those jeans and grab a new pair)
CHECK IN: See here’s the thing about those jeans, they’re “straight legged.” The legs on them are just straight, they don’t bow out.
YOU: I figured that, since they were underneath a sign that said “straight leg.”
CHECK IN: Those signs can be tricky, let me help you with that.
If you happen to come across a hider, and have the nerve to ask them for some assistance, they¹ll avoid helping you as much as they possibly can.
YOU: Excuse me, can you help me find the—
(Hider begins walking away as if he didn’t hear you)
YOU: Excuse me, do you work here?
HIDER: Um…yeah. (continues walking)
YOU: So, Can you help me find-
HIDER: This isn’t my department, sorry.
YOU: …I didn”t tell you what I was looking for.
HIDER: What are you looking for.
HIDER: Yeah, not my department.
YOU: Hi, I’m looking for a pair of new balance shoes.
TEENAGE GIRL: (doesn’t look up from texting) Um, yeah, I don’t know.
(pause while she continues to text)
YOU: Um, do you know someone who might know?
TEENAGE GIRL: * SIGHS * Yeah, go over there and ask that older lady with the zits on her face. She’ll know.
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM: Any mainstream retail store within 10 miles of a high school or college campus.
At first glance, The Actor (usually a young female) seems like a normal employee. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. The Actor is merely playing the part of a sane, pleasant, helpful model employee. She’s an actor. That’s what she does. Unfortunately, this gives you, the customer, a false sense of security, because you think you’re dealing with a normal human being. Then you make the mistake of saying something that remotely resembles the lyrics of a popular Broadway Musical, and chaos ensues:
HER: Hello, customer! How was your shopping experience today?
YOU: It was pretty good. Some old lady almost fell down on the hardware aisle, though.
HER: Fell? Due to gravity?
(begins enthusiastically singing a song from the hit Broadway Musical “Wicked”)
I’m flying high!…Defying Gravity!
And no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring! Me! Down!
HER: (begins enthusiastically signing a song from the Musical The Music Man) He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a music man! Wheredaya get em? Whaddaya talk?
YOU: oh, shit.
YOU: Excuse me, is there a Chess King in this mall?
401KER: You think I give a shit about a Chess King, sonny? I used to be the regional sales manager of NCR. I had five salesman under me.
401KER: Damn right it is. What the hell did you ever manage? Back in ’95, my team pushed through 2.6 million in sales in one quarter. ONE QUARTER! No one had ever seen that before.
YOU: That’s awesome. I was just looking for the Chess King.
401KER: Chess King? I was the goddamn Sales King! Now I have to vacuum up around the Orange Julius just so I don’t have to live under an overpass. Where’s your chess king now, boy?
YOU: I’m going to go stand over there.