“The Christmas Curse”
Posted by Jessie Deal on the I Hate Working In Retail Facebook Page
This is a Christmas story I wrote in a J.R.R.Tolkien/humor/todays speech style.
“The Christmas Curse”
I mentally prepare myself for the task at hand as I ride my plastic and steel steed to the Wall of Greens. Survive the end of December. There is a curse upon my country. A curse called “Christmas”. People can be wretched even without the curse sometimes, but this….THIS brings something dark from within oneself. Some people greet you with cheer. Huzzah to that! I say. But there are others who drip with disdain for the human race and fight amongst one another as heathens do. And what for? To win an object of affection for their beloveds. An object. Attacking one another, trampling , maiming, even killing. All for a picture box or an electronic gaming box. I loathe the battle I know I will face within mere minutes.
I finally arrive at the Wall of Greens.I exit my plastic and steel steed, covering my head and face with my hood whilst zipping my coat all the way up. Aye. Tis cold outside. But it is not the cold that has me bundled up. I must enter the Wall of Greens incognito. For if I fail to do so, I will surely be attacked with questions and asked to fulfill tasks I am neither prepared nor allowed to do until it is time to “clock in”. I slither through the market and quickly enter the office. My numbers are entered so that I will be paid for my services. I take off my coat and don my armor, complete with helmet, sword and shield.I am ready for battle!
I make my way to the front so that my fellow warriors in combat may be relieved of their duties. I see they are battling heathens over coupons, overzealous price checkers holding up the lines, and the sighs of frustrated customers. Oh why must they be so frustrated at others when it is they who have procrastinated on this eve of Christmas? Tis of no sense! I clasp my frazzled fellow warrior on the shoulders, “FLEE! YOU FOOL! Recuperate so that you may live to fight another day!” I say. A tear of joy is shed as she nods in understanding and flees to safety. I can feel hatred in the eyes of the heathens upon me. Who knows how long they have been there. Since the Day of Thanks? The day after known as “Black Friday”? God have mercy on me.
Hours have passed by. I cannot tell how many as I have not paid attention to the clock yet. The music of the curse and sighs of the impatient fill the air. My only companion is a fellow warrior who stands across from me facing the same battles. “But the sign said..”
“Ma’am, you need a discount card for that!” I try to explain. “This is supposed to be….and thiiiis is supposed to be…” a lady says as she slowly takes items out of her cart, one.by.one. I receive phone calls asking “Are you open?” NO,You fool! I just answered the phone for my own entertainment! I battle against the impatience of the heathens “Y’all need more people!”, “This is ridiculous!” Many shout in frustration. You are right heathens! This IS ridiculous! YOU are ridiculous. With your procrastinating and taking it out on the people who dwell at the Wall of Greens. Shouldn’t you fools be at the Wall of Mart instead? Better yet, shouldn’t you have done this eons ago? But nay. You bloody fools decide to take your sweet time, then complain when you show up late and decide to take it out on others. Need a cancer stick? Should have come earlier. It is common knowledge people will be out at the markets mindlessly purchasing trinkets for everyone they know. Need toys for your child? Things to stuff stockings with? Tough! You should have been here earlier. Now you have no choice but to deal with me! And I with you, dear heathens!
Tis 3 in the morning. My feet tire of standing my ground and the depths of my stomach ache for nourishment. “Do you wish to clock out for lunch? Or try to sustain yourself between them?” My fellow warrior asks. I dare not, nay! I CAN NOT leave him to the wolves. I would not be able to live with myself, for he is a noble man! “Nay! I CANNOT leave you to be swallowed up in this pit of soul eaters! I will stand and fight as well as try to nourish myself back to health.” We nod at each other in agreement and continue the fight.
6:30 in the morning.First light appears. It is dim, but noticeable. Yes! The cavalry will be here soon to relieve us! Tis just 3 lone warriors at the Wall of Greens. The day leader places so much trust in us to fend for the Wall of Greens.We will NOT fail him! “Excuse me, miss? Do you have any after Christmas specials on right now?” Someone asks me. “What? Do you not know what DAY this is madam??? Tis the morning of Christmas! Not the day after!” “HUMPH! This is ridiculous! Y’all should have already had the after Christmas sales out by now!” Suddenly, this is chanted all morning long on the Day of Christmas. “Are you people MAD? IT HAS JUST BECOME CHRISTMAS! Are you illiterate!?!? The sales you wish for are AFTER Christmas, NOT ON CHRISTMAS!” Bloody FOOLS! Heathens only hear and read what they want to hear and read.
7 in the morning. I feel I am losing my mind. The night has had me as a storm has a sailor at sea. I am weary from battle. I am no Goddess. I am simply a mere mortal who looks like one. (I jest!) But I do NOT jest about this night. The curse seems to be affecting me as well. Tis like a plague. It can be infectious. The phone rings and I answer it as I try to take cards out of an old wenches hands. Tis a member of our cavalry! Good news! They are close. I hang up and the lady shoves the cards in my hands. “You shouldn’t be talking on the phone!” Oh really? And you should have died 5 years ago you old hag! But I don’t see you staying down! Oh dear, the curse has started to affect me. I mean, it already was starting on the Day of Thanks. But now, oh what am I becoming? I am becoming one of them!
7:30 in the morning. The cavalry arrives to relieve us.Oh joy! I feel myself getting cooler as my blood pressure has gone down from seeing my fellow warriors. I leave the front and fight my way through the heathens until it is time to flee the Wall of Greens.
Now to prepare for the after Christmas sales of tomorrow…May God have mercy on my soul!
~ Written by: Jessie Deal