On an express lane:
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“I think I may have a few more than 7 items.”
“I saw you push the cart up here, as a matter of fact, I watched your approach. I should say I watched your cart approach, I could not see you, because you were obscured by a mountain of food and various other pieces of merchandise. Since you are of average height, I would assume that you would maybe notice that your cart is full. Notice I say full, not partially filled, or even nearly full, but completely full. I had hoped that even someone of your limited intelligence would gather the correlation between the number of items in the cart, and the number on the sign. If these numbers do not match, do not attempt to proceed. If you feel it necessary to proceed, we will be more than pleased to introduce you to a newly adapted guest service policy. This policy is simple, your cashier will be instructed to grab the bat under the counter, and swing it firmly towards your head. If you have any questions following this policy, please proceed to the guest service desk. I am certain they will be more than pleased to share their new policies with you.”
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“I did not realize I had this much stuff in my cart.”
“What does it feel like to have Alzheimer’s? OH, you don’t have Alzheimer. Hmm… that is rather odd. I would think that you would remember going through the store, and by the looks of your cart, grabbing one of every kind of food item we sell. Doesn’t ring a bell huh? Are you feeling okay? You look a little winded, but I guess I would be too if I had just pushed a cart filled with 300 pounds of food all the way around the store. Well, if you don’t have Alzheimer’s , let me be the first to apologize, I did not realize you were retarded. I really should be nice to God’s special little people. I will try to be more supportive. (Give thumbs up). I saw you in the special Olympics, and you did a great job.” Guest then begins to cry.
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“Can I have paper bags?”
“Do you enjoy bagging your own groceries?”
On a regular lane:
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“Do your food stamp machine be working?”
“What? (They repeat) What? I am sorry could you please try that in English. Verbs used correctly are a wonderful thing. Oh, yes, our food stamp machine is working, and on a side note I would just like to mention that I am really glad that my tax dollars are not being spent on any necessary education. Why even bother with the food stamps, let me get my wallet out, this way we can cut out the middle man. Great concept isn’t it. Communism I mean, I work my butt off and make crap. You do nothing and get all my money. Slave labor, that’s what this is. Oops, that wasn’t very PC of me was it. Help, Help, you’re being oppressed. Don’t worry, I have the number for the ACLU on speed dial. Ooh, you look really mad. It’s too bad I can’t understand a word you’re saying or I bet my feelings would be really hurt.”
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“I want this shirt, it was the last one like it.”
“Ma’am did you notice that this shirt did not have a price tag? Oh, you did. And there was nothing back there like it. Well, I can see that you are adamant about keeping this shirt. One moment please. (Stand on lane) Ladies and Gentleman, if you are waiting in my line, I feel it is necessary to warn you that there will be a substantial wait. (Point to Guest) This woman picked up an item without a tag, and it just so happens that this shirt is the last one of it’s kind in existence. We all know how crucial polo shirts are to the game of golf and she does not want to clash with Muffy. So, if you will excuse me, I will go catch a boat to Malaysia to research the origins of said shirt. I am sure that with a sufficient investigation, spanning several months and covering several continents, we will be able to find the answer we seek today. Please do me a favor and make sure no harm comes to this good lady while I am away on my pilgrimage. It would be especially bad if she were stabbed a bunch of times. It would be even worse if she were robbed, and beaten after being stabbed. (Walk away) Oh, you said never mind, you don’t want the shirt. Oh, well if you’re certain.”
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“You look bored. I’m going to give you something to do. (Chuckle, Chuckle)”
“Hahaha …you are a funny guy. That is some funny stuff. Man you should write this stuff down. I bet it has been at least ten minutes since I have heard something that amusing. Come to think of it, I heard that exact statement from the guy in front of you. Well you know what they say, if something is worth doing once, it’s worth doing 20,000 times a day. Darn that Henry Ford. Oh, I’m sorry. You did not think that was funny. Oh, I forgot, I am here to amuse you. Want to hear something really funny? Here goes…No, I was not bored. I was masterminding the downfall of civilization as we know it. I know a peon like you could never grasp ideas of the magnitude I am speaking of but you asked, so I am telling you. I plan to take over the world. People like you will be enslaved and made into jesters for my amusement; however, you do not amuse me. You would be forced to undergo unimaginable tortures. I can’t say too much because I’m working on a patent, but I will tell you this much. It involves sensitive body parts and their reaction to extremes such as ice and fire. Oh, you’re leaving now. See you later chuckles.”
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(Half Way Through the Order) “I want everything in paper bags.”
“Oh really? Well, thanks for keeping us in the loop moron. Do you think maybe that was something you could have shared before my bagger had put everything but your granola and bean sprouts away? Oh, I get it, you were too busy raving about the new Kenny G album. You were distracted. Tree hugger! Plastic is bad for the environment, save the earth, stop killing the trees. Let me tell you something. Stop your whining. You want to save the rainforest, prevent the loss of animal habitats, and stop the poaching of elephants? Be my guest. However, I suggest you start with something simple like bagging your own groceries. Now get your scrawny, long-haired hippie butt to the end of the lane and correct the situation yourself.”
On a lane without a bagger:
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(watching you bag their monstrous load of groceries)”No help tonight huh?”
(evil grin) “Hmmm….well I guess that kind of depends. (Guest asks on what) Well, there are several factors involved but I think the main one would be whether or not your get your sorry butt away from the candy and attempt to bag something. I know this is a very difficult concept to grasp, but this whole procedure, the checkout lane procedure if you will, goes much faster if more than person is doing the work. Eating the food while I am trying to bag it, does not constitute help. Could you please come a little closer so I could stab you?”
During a busy holiday rush:
At the Lottery Counter:
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“Pick me out a winner! (chuckle, chuckle)”
“Hey, while I’m getting your tickets for you, I have a little game to keep you busy. Why don’t you try to figure out the odds of me continuing to work at this job, if I had the ability to pick out winning lottery tickets. Well, I can tell by the look on your face that you don’t think was a very good game. I’ll let you in on a little secret. The state lottery is not really a game, it’s is a tax on stupid people.”
Sourced from msu.edu
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