What My Boss Actually Means When He Says

What my boss Says

I have an Opportuity for you

What he actually means

I really cant be arsed to do this job myself, so I need to sell it to him/her and pretend that its for thier development. I need to sound entusiastic and pretend that they dont quite have the skills to do it, but I am doing them a favour. They will love me for it

What my boss says

No! there is really no need to come in on your day off. We will just have to cope without you

What he actually means

I need to try to make you feel as guilty as possible for not coming in.  I will need to speak to a few of your collegues to let them know how tough the day will be if you dont come in. I WILL make you volunteer, and turn it around so it sounds like your idea.

What my boss says Today my boss is popping in to visit,

just be yourselves if he speaks to you. What he actually means I want you to lie and say that everything is fantastic in store.  I want you to say how great I am, but stay away from the truth or you will never work again

What my boss says

Whats that! your not coming in today?  Never mind, you get well soon and come back when you are feeling better.  Take care

What he actually means

For F&%”s sake.  You selfish F&%ker!!!!  you didnt even sound sick. wait until I tell everyone how much of a liar you are and how much you have let everyone down

What my boss says

What a great idea! why dont you stick that in the suggestion box?

What he actually means

Your idea makes no sense to me what so ever, But I really dont have the skills to tell you politely that it wont work.  When i read it I will through it in the bin straight away.  I will then tell you that I have sent it off to head office for them to read as I thought it was such a great idea they needed to know about it.  Keep them coming one day you might come up with something I can take the credit for.

What my boss says 

If you carry on putting all of these extra hours in you are sure to get a promotion

What he actually means

I am going to work you like a dog for no extra money with the promise of promotion i will give you lots of false promises throughout your career until you burn out and I replace you with another willing victim