9 people you see in Walmart after midnight

I carry very odd hours. And unfortunately I live in a place where the closest place open near me after midnight is the local Walmart. Now Walmart has it’s pros and it’s cons, but one thing I think we can all agree on is that it has a unique cast of characters all unto its own. I’ve found that these are some of the characters that are always wandering the aisles of Walmart after midnight.

There is always someone walking around a Walmart at 1:00am coughing and stumbling towards the closest flu medicine display. During flu season the medicine isle of the store looks like a Tylenol PM zombie apocalypse. There are people dragging around, mumbling in agony while grasping for orange and green boxes and coughing up pieces of non-vital organs. We’ve probably all been there but it doesn’t make it any less concerning when the person behind you isn’t covering their mouth and sounds like they have Whooping Cough.

 If you’ve ever been to Walmart late at night anywhere near a college, you’ll see a mad dash of kids buying beer right before the Blue Laws kick in. I bet 10% of all their beer sales come less than 30 minutes before they stop selling alcohol. It’s like watching water buffalo charge toward Niagara Falls.

 I’m scared because why would there need to be a guy in camo in a department store at 2:00am? What is that guy hiding from? And I’m not talking about a guy that looks like he’s going hunting, I mean a guy that is obviously planning something.

“Bullets… at 2:00am. Wow and a case of beer. All you need is an angry scowl, is there an angry scowl department in here? Amiright? Oh, there it is. Yikes. Here why don’t you just jump in front of me in line, you obviously look like you’re in a hurry.”

 There always seems to be one nice old lady that doesn’t like the hustle and bustle of daytime shopping, so she goes late at night when the store is less crowded. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone has a right to shop at whatever time they want to, but what usually sucks about this situation is there are never any lanes open at night and you can get stuck at the self-checkout line behind a person with two months worth of groceries.

There is always one woman in Walmart dressed like she just got off her set at The Boobie Shack or like she just got home from a Van Halen concert circa 1985. Big hair, too much skin, and pants tight enough that you know they screw with the circulation in her legs. I’m not judging your appearance, I’m simply pointing out the facts. I simply have to assume you drive a Delorean or missed the bus out of 1985. It’s people like her that make me feel overdressed even when wearing my Big Johnson shirts.

 This guy is usually just standing at the front of the store minding his own business or flirting with a cashier. He’s gotta be the coolest or most patient cop on the force. Anyone that can stand around and watch the cavalcade of weirdness that parades through Walmart probably has to deal with some genuine crazy people from time to time. Nothing as serious as the crazies out on the street–but remember those people have to shop too. There’s a reason this guy has a taser and I think a lot of us feel a little safer with this guy at the front of the store.

 If you live in a small enough town, you’ll see some people wandering around at night that have nowhere else to get their drunk energy out than at Walmart. They’ll be racing carts, buying as many frozen pizzas and beef jerky that they can fit in a basket or just trying futilely to buy more beer. These people can be a nuisance and are the sole reason they take the keys out of most of the motorized carts at night. They explained that to me right before they put me in back of the squad car.

 I understand that some people have got to work at different times and sometimes have schedules that leave them with no babysitter late at night. But you have to hate seeing someone at 3:00am on a Tuesday grocery shopping with a kid that obviously has school tomorrow. That kid looks tired now and he’s going to look worse tomorrow. Sure, it’s hard being a single parent with a shopping list to finish, but imagine being a tired kid trying to learn math at 8:00am the next day.

 Most of the greeters are fairly friendly at the store, but as the day drags on, the enthusiasm wanes and you’re left with a person sitting in a chair that looks like they’d rather be anywhere but there. They say hello to the crazy people filtering in and have to check the bags as the crazy people walk out. I’m sure some of them really like their jobs, but most people working at night just look tired and bored. I kind of feel sorry for them until I run back into that guy in camo in the parking lot.

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