RETAIL HORROR STORIES THAT WILL MAKE YOU REGRET HUMANITY

The following terrible crimes and terrible people are real. And that is a shame. Here’s to hoping God whips up a hefty helping of bad karma and flings it their way.

Man Drops Trou and Flashes Pink Panties at Target

In January 2013, 18-year-old Jason Tyler Stuart revealed his cute new thong to aghast shoppers in the women’s section. Witnesses say he made comments about his underwear, presumably asking whether it made his penis look fat. Police later found a backpack full of women’s panties in his car.Man Drives Around Walmart Parking Lot with Dong Exposed

Travis Keen, 28, of Louisiana pulled up next to female shoppers and offered an eyeful of wang in August 2011. With no criminal history, he entered the books with a bang. According to the police report, “Keen stated when he comes to Walmart he gets aroused.” You should see him on Black Friday.Totally Meth-ed Up: Woman Cooks Poor Man’s Cocaine at Walmart

In 2011, an Oklahoma woman, who could’ve been very attractive if not for biker’s coffee, spent six hours making meth in a Walmart. Alisha Halfmoon, 45, claims she couldn’t afford the ingredients, and employees found her mixing sulfuric acid and lighter fluid in a water bottle. Side note: “meth Walmart” yields 1.8 million search results.Woman Gets Superglued to Home Depot Toilet Seat

It took paramedics an hour to free Illyanna De La Keur from this precarious (and hilarious) predicament. Pranksters allegedly tampered with the bowls. Using WD-40, they were able to loosen her, and she suffered ripped skin and wounds. Video footage shows a cool lady who found it humorous.

Woman Pulls Gun After Walmart Denies $1 Coupon

In yet another tale in the virtual encyclopedia that is Walmart hijinks, Mary Frances Alday, 61, of Crawfordville, Florida, tried to use a printed $1 coupon. The clerk refused, explaining printed coupons are invalid. Then she brandished a gun. Calling the clerk a bitch and threatening murder, Alday waved around her Smith & Wesson .38 until she was tasered by the police.

Man Lives In Toys ‘R’ Us for Six Months

Fugitive Jeffrey Manchester hid in a Charlotte Toys ‘R’ Us for half a year in 2004. The church-goer and seasonal Easter bunny built a 4-by-10 cell out of sheetrock behind the bike display. He dined on baby food, and even put posters and a basketball hoop in his quarters. Police rearrested him after they found his fingerprint on a spray can. Five points for carpentry skills.

Woman Steals Python and Drunkenly Crashes Into Firehouse

A Long Island woman wandered hammered into a Petco and stole a snake. A little later, firefighters found Sarah Espinosa, 22, with the boa around her neck after she collided into the fire station. Police booked her on reckless endangerment, DUI, possession of marijuana and petit larceny.

Grown Men Rob Girl Scouts and Face Brownie Wrath

Two men stole $200 from Girl Scouts outside of a Texas Walmart in early 2012. However, the little vendors sprung into action, punching and slapping and clawing at one thief in the getaway car. This definitely deserves a badge.Woman Peppersprays 20 Shoppers on Black FridayA Porter Ranch woman incited pandemonium when she spritzed a crowd in Walmart during the notorious shopping day, injuring 20. She reportedly wanted an advantage in acquiring an Xbox. OK, I’m done: I despise Black Friday and the hysterical apes who worship it. There, I said it.