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Feb
7

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10 Things To Expect From Customers Working In Retail

Category: retail lists Tags: Leave a Comment

Sorry, but you’re going to work a customer service job, and it won’t be cute.

With graduation quickly approaching, you’re probably thinking now’s the time to start looking for a real job. Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news for you. The bad news is, the unemployment rate is still pretty high and those four years (or in my case, six) and $100,000 you just spent on college is gonna land you nowhere in this economy. Also, you’re going to be spending the next forty years of your life paying that $100,000 back. And you’re never going to actually use your degree. And you’re probably going to end up in a loveless marriage with three unappreciative bratty kids who suck you dry of all your self-worth. And then, while you’re out getting pizza one afternoon, your spouse will leave you for a younger, much more attractive version of yourself who doesn’t nag or ask when dinner is. The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.

All that being said, you’re probably going to spend at least the next five years of your life in some sort of retail/customer service position until the economy turns around (haha) or until you win the lottery (hahahaha). Oddly enough, that position looks a lot like this position:

Stick figures having sex doggystyle position

So as you prepare yourself for a career in customer service (after you graduate college, a retail job is no long considered “cute” or “a way to make extra cash,” it’s just really, really sad), I want to help put you into the mindset of the wonderful consumers you’re about to encounter on a regular basis.

1. “Forget for a minute that you’re a human being.”

I get it. Your dad just died and you got hit by a car on your bike on the way here. I’m sure all of that is fascinating. But could you shut up long enough to make my Whopper? And could you stop crying into my fries? Oh, and could you get me a straw? And a napkin? And then could you possibly wipe my ass for me?

2. “Whatever you’re doing, do it faster.”

Listen, people have real jobs to get to, so could you make that McMuffin a little faster? I’ve got a Gap employee to harass and a US Bank customer service representative to reduce to tears.

3. “I’m glad I have holidays off. Me. Not you.”

It really sucks that they make you work on Christmas. I’m really sorry about that. It’s just really not fair—oh wait, I asked for this steak to be medium rare. It looks medium. Could you take it back?

4. “You’ve got legs. Use them.”

I realize I could walk the five feet to the condiment bar and get a Splenda myself, but you’re RIGHT THERE. Could you walk the five feet to the condiment bar and get a Splenda for me?

5. “Everything is your fault.”

I got a parking ticket, my husband is cheating on me, my Pomeranian has alopecia and my right pinky toe hurts. I understand that none of this is your fault, but I’m going to take it out on you and be a dick anyway.

6. “I know how to do your job better than you.”

Let’s disregard the fact that you’ve been working here for however many months/years. And that you had to take a bunch of shitty, boring training classes. Or that you spend eight hours a day, five days a week doing this job. As someone who is in here for up to 10 minutes at a time, let me tell you how to do your job for you. From the other side of the counter. In front of other customers. Making you feel like a piece of shit makes me feel better about my own monotonous existence.

7. “Since you work here, you’re probably an idiot.”

Listen, Robot, I don’t want view my coffee shop barista or my fast food restaurant cashier to be an actual person. It’s much easier for me to just assume that Starbucks or McDonald’s created you at their factory where they create all of their employees. So just smile, make my order, give me everything I want, and we won’t have any problems. I don’t care that you’re in school or that you already graduated or that you’re in a master’s program at Harvard. Give me more free ketchup!

8. “This call is really important.”

I honestly don’t know why you feel the need to interrupt my phone call to try to take my order—it’s rude and inconveniencing. Don’t you understand exactly what I want when I randomly point at the menu and mumble “coffee”? Oh, and when you get it wrong, I am going to yell at you.

9. “You should know everything and nothing at the same time.”

What do you mean you don’t know if the Denny’s off Route 9 in Topeka, Kansas is open past ten? Or what the phone number is to the Holiday Inn on Times Square? God, don’t you know anything?

10. “You should be grateful for everything I do for you.”

Here! Look! I’m putting thirty five cents into the tip jar. No, don’t turn away, watch me put it in there otherwise it doesn’t count! LOOK!!! Oh, you didn’t see? Well, since you didn’t see it, I just wanted to tell you that I put it in there, so you know I put it in there, so you can thank me and be grateful that I’m helping put some Top Ramen on your $25 IKEA kitchen table.

Now that you’ve caught this glimpse into the heads of consumers everywhere, I hope you’re better armed for the journey you’re about to embark on; the horrible, degrading, mindfucking journey called customer service. Now click the “5 star” rating underneath this article, Robot.

Sourced from pointsincase.com

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Feb
7

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10 Stupid Things Starbucks Customers Do

Category: Life as a Barista, retail lists, Starbucks, Stupid Customers Tags: , , , Leave a Comment

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz in his book “Onward” outlines many of the different routes and obstacles Starbucks has faced in the last 10 years to become the world’s most desired brand to get coffee from. What Howard Schultz does not talk about, however, is the coffee addiciton of Starbucks customers who walk in daily and do or say stupid things in almost every Starbucks location around the world. I visit Starbucks regularly [never to get coffee, by the way], and I notice so many stupid customers doing stupid things that it is amazing how people can feel so important and proud ordering the premium Starbucks coffee in front of everyone while also acting stupid on a human level.

Because of the premium lifestyle image that Starbucks creates for its coffee drinkers, more and more customers start to feel as if they are buying a Land Rover and need full time customer support and nurturing in common sense and courtesy. I do not like businesses that treat customers badly, and I also do not like customers who treat businesses and their employees badly for no good reason, even when seen from the shoes of the business or the customer. Maybe one day soon I’ll write about the 10 stupid things Starbucks Baristas do. Today I’ll focus on the stupid customers I’ve seen or noticed myself in the last year.

Here are 10 top stupid things I have seen Starbucks customers do or say on a regular basis. Amazing how coffee can make you feel proud but not make you smarter or more considerate.

10 Stupid Things Starbucks Customers Do

Starbucks

1. People who say “That’s a tall? I wanted the biggest one!” or “I don’t speak Starbucks” or yell “I don’t know what size!“

Look at the menu, idiot. You can order complicated drinks in Starbucks lingo to show off to everyone but you don’t know what cup size you want the drink in?

2. Customers who stand in long lines only to get to the register and then decide what they want, making everyone else behind them wait even longer.

Many times when I’m at restaurants or in lines at fast food places, I can’t decide what I want and I wait to get the waiter over or get to the cashier so I can simply blurt out the first thing that I can think of within 5 seconds or so. I then stick with that order. But people in Starbucks lines get to the cashier and then start looking at the menu to decide what they want, as if the menu was hidden from them on purpose before they got to the cashier.

3. Demanding a free drink because Starbucks ran out of coffee, because the drink wasn’t cold enough, or because your drink wasn’t made within 30 seconds of your order.

Amazing how people feel rich and try to portray a luxurious lifestyle in front of others while also trying to score a free coffee fix.

4 Ordering customized drinks or foods that are exactly the same or worse than their non-customized counterparts.

Starbucks Via Ready

Starbucks Via Ready – let’s see if you can make this at home with 200 degree heat!

Many people simple want to feel and appear smarter publicly, and after a while such people start believing their own lie that their custom order is what is really better for them. “Grande extra hot, soy, caramel macchiato, no foam, stirred, with whip, extra caramel, at 200 degrees.” What the hell does that even mean? My mouth just drops open or my eyes go wide in shock when people request that. Am I too weak to taste anything that’s hotter than a bit hot? Yeah, as if 195 degree or even 100 degrees won’t be hot enough for your tongue or as if you’ll know the difference in temperature because you’re a Camel.

Or “asiago cheese bagel [what the hell is that? :O], the middle one right there, toasted, triple toasted, and 2 cream cheese on the side.” Triple toasted apparently makes it kosher, as double toasted or toasted even one would still get you raw bagel, wouldn’t it? Or “extra whipped cream” on “non-fat” drinks. That’s the same as ordering a full menu burger at Carl’s Jr. with a diet soda and hoping the soda will help make others not call you fat.

5. People grabbing any drinks that the baristas call out, without checking their own names on the drinks.

And then drinking those drinks and only then coming back and complaining that they do not have the right drinks. Check your name on the cup or ask any barista before you pick up a cup.

6. People who empty the condiment bar without being considerate.

People love emptying milk at the condiment bar without notifying anyone or by using too much milk, and then complaining themselves also sometimes about not having enough milk. And when I walk up they simply walk off, knowing fully well that I’ll look at them and ask “You drank the whole thing like it was Nesquik Chocolate Milk?

7. Saying “I have a Starbucks card!” or “Ring that order separately!” after the barista has taken all of your order and rang you up.

This one happens a lot, and every time this happens, the line behind gets longer.

Drink Coffee - Do Stupid Things Faster with More Energy

Drink Coffee – Do Stupid Things Faster with More Energy

8. People who tell cashiers “Others [other baristas] know my drink.“

Who cares? That so and so barista is not taking your order. Tell this current Starbucks employee about your drink if you want to order anything. Or get out of the line and wait for your barista to come and make you the drink so you don’t have to repeat your order since you apparently have no idea what the heck you drink.

9. People who cut the line and interrupt customers giving their orders to baristas, only to ask for a cup of water.

I have had people interrupt my pastry or chocolate brownies orders just to get water or extra napkins. Wait till the barista in question is not taking any order!

10. People who order their drinks and immediately act impatient, demanding their drinks right away.

So many people order their drinks and immediately start saying “I’m late for work” or “I’ve to be somewhere.” This is a Starbucks, not a vending machine. Your drink will take as long as it takes to make your drink. If you’re in a hurry, you shouldn’t be stopping for your Starbucks cocaine addiction fix you junkie.

 

Sourced from thereasoner.com

 

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Feb
3

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Top 10 Worst Customers Who Make your Life Hell

Category: Funny Customers, retail lists Tags: Leave a Comment

“The customer is always right.”

Whoever came up with that phrase should be bound and gagged underneath an outhouse of a Turkish spa.  For those of you who have worked in a retail setting, you’ll understand why I totally disagree with that statement.  In fact, I say about 9 times out of 10 the customer is always wrong.  No matter if you work at an upscale men’s clothing store or the bowels of K-Mart, you start to realize that the people that come into your store aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer.  Today I’m going to go over the types of customers that you always come across when working at a retail store and would love to strangle if given the chance.  Not to say you should avoid working in retail at all costs, but at least I should give you fair warning on who to be on the look out for.

1. The Early Bird

It’s usually the Early Bird customer that I feel pity for.  I can understand waiting outside the door like a poor dog waiting to come inside from the cold weather on Black Friday, but why is it that important to show up at the crack of dawn at any given day?  I can’t really comprehend that someone has really nothing better to do all day, but to wake up in the morning, have breakfast, and then stand outside of their nearest Walmart 2 hours before the doors open.  Why not do something more productive like go jogging, do morning exercises, or at least read a book?  This is why I always say to get a job because you won’t end up being as pathetic as the Early Bird.

Also, what could possibly be so damn important to arrive early at the store to be the first one in?  I don’t think you should consider it an accomplishment to barge right in to snag an iPad 2 when there’s plenty in stock.  Unless you have some unique form of OCD, there’s absolutely no reason at all to make “going to the store” the first thing to do on your list.

 

2. The Family Outing

Back when I was a kid, my family would go to the park or beach for good ol’ family entertainment.  Nowadays it seems like going to Walmart or Staples with the family is a special occasion.  These folks would spend hours and hours on a Saturday afternoon to go “shopping” — realistically, it’s just the parents browsing around the store to not buy anything while they plant their kids in front of the TV displays to watch Avatar or some other overplayed movie.  The biggest complaint I have with theFamily Outing is that the parents expect the sales associates to act as babysitters while the little brats run around with snot running down their noses.  My solution in to getting rid of the Family Outing is to hire a clown every weekend at your store and have him claim his facepaint is made out of baby blood.

3. The Retiree

 Let’s see…you don’t work anymore, the family’s moved away, just finished watching The Price Is Right…what else is there to do?  I KNOW!  Let’s make some friends at Target!
For the Retiree, going to the retail store is much more pleasurable than it is for the Family Outing, but in fact, it’s pure bliss.  These old fogies probably have been neglected by their families or just too damn thickheaded to go to a nursing home.  So in all, their only form of actual human contact is by popping in store after store to chat up a storm when they have no clue at all what they’re buying.  It doesn’t matter that they’re buying a brand new Apple computer when they have absolutely no business using a computer.  All that matters to them is to waste your time while jabbering about the time they were in the army and helped Dwight Eisenhower fix a flat tire in Alaska.

4. The Too Much Spare Time

 

These fuckers are usually unemployed and truly have nothing better to do then to spend hours and hours moping around the store.  Don’t be surprised to come across the Too Much Spare Time about 50 times during your shift when he’s been “browsing” for the past four hours.  Ironically, if they decide to use their unemployment checks to shop for crap than to use to for…oh say like food, water, or gas…they’ll be in there for another 3 hours.
The best thing to do if you come across one of these assholes is to tell them go home and spend your time looking for a job.  Hell, even recommend to them to just take your job so you don’t have to deal with the Too Much Spare Time.

5. The Twenty Questions

 

These guys I truly can’t stand.   While I can deal with basic questions like “How much does this cost?” or “Do you have that in stock?”, these customers sometimes barrage you with mind-numbingly questions such as “What’s a battery?” or “How do I dial 9-1-1 on this phone?”  TheTwenty Questions take a rather long time to comprehend your answers to them until the light bulb turns on (although its rather dim) in their heads.
Listen folks, indecisiveness is what gets people killed.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to turn on a TV set or where to put the food in the microwave.  If you truly need to have someone reassure you a HUNDRED times that this camera really does take pictures, I think it’s time to consider to get special assistance from the Visiting Nurse Services when you go out shopping.  If all else fails, just shut the fuck up.

6. The Merciful Bargain Hunter

 

I’ll admit it; it’s truly an art to go bargain hunting.  Back then, customers would actually do some research into finding the best deals around town and save on buying at certain locations.  But now, they’ve gotten too lazy and morphed into the Merciful Bargain Hunter.
These types of customers would usually give you sob stories on how they traveled all the way from Croatia to purchase a ridiciolous crap load of stuff at your store and see if it is in your power to give them a discount or deal for all of their trouble.  That’s just one of many excuses they try to throw at you when look for mercy in their pathetic attempts in bargain hunting.  One classic line I hear over and over again is, “BUT I SAW THAT COSTCO AND WALMART FOR LESS!”  Well, no shit.  Then why the hell you didn’t go there in the first place?
I can understand pulling off some routine that you got 8 kids to feed and are on welfare at the supermarket, but it ain’t gonna work at the Apple Store or Lord &Taylor.  There’s just no room for sympathy when it comes to luxury and debt.

7. The Bullshitter

 

Let’s face it; we’ve all bullshitted one time or another.  Whether it be calling out sick from work when you’re perfectly fine or getting out of jury duty because you claim to be the biggest bigot in the world, bullshit is also an art just like bargain hunting.  Unfortunately, the Bullshitter doesn’t know their limits and boundaries as they bring their lies everywhere; especially at the store.
The best way to describe the Bullshitter customer is to think back when you were six years old and one of your schoolyard buddies tells you that his dad works for Nintendo and he’s working on a super duper brand new system that uses holograms and there’s a game coming out that has Mario teaming up with the Power Rangers.  I’m just curious to know whether these “Bullshitters” actually believe in their own bullshit or just trying to pull your leg.  I can’t tell you how many times some big dope comes up to me and says they heard some “secret insider tips” that Verizon was coming out with a brand new smartphone that makes toast and that Sony is coming out with a brand new TV set that will make everything obsolete by the year 2015.
One easy way to spot a Bullshitter is that they always begin with, “I heard…”  Whether they get their information from The Onion or were victims of being fed bullshit themselves, they make sure they past the information to you so perhaps you start believing their bullshit.

8. The Grinner

 

Unless you got a case of lockjaw, there’s nothing humorous about shopping for clothes or other assorted items.  The Grinner is rather easy to spot: someone comes up to you with a goofy fuckin’ grin or smirk on their face when they ask for help.  They have the same look on their face the rest of the time you deal with them until they leave the store.  If you happen to be one of these Grinners, please stop it.  All you really are doing is making the sales associate to find anyway to piss you off and wipe that god damn smirk off your face.

9. The Paranoid Patriot

“THEY TOOK OUR JERBS!!!”
There’s nothing wrong in supporting one’s economy, but I don’t think you really need to freak the fuck out to find out that your American flag t-shirt came from Cambodia.  Usually with the Paranoid Patriot, if they come across a product from an unknown manufacturer, the first thing they ask is, “WHERE’S IT FROM?!?!?  I’VE NEVER HEARD OF COMPANY X!!!!!”  To see the look on their faces when you simply tell them it’s from China or any other Asian country is kind of priceless.  The only thing is once you do tell them, they go on a 50-minute tangent on we shouldn’t buy Chinese stuff and that the Chinese are planning to take over America with their bootleg TV sets and vibrators.  So sometimes it’s best just to bullshit to them and say their Wang Chung washer and dryer set came from the great state of Idaho.
Granted that the majority of Chinese products aren’t up to par, but not all of them are bad.  However, the Paranoid Patriot is convinced that if their purchases are not made from North America, it will most likely blow up when they use it at home.  Ironically, I’m sure the Paranoid Patriot are the same people who drive their Isuzu pickup trucks to go home and eat their hot dogs and fried Oreos imported all the way from Indonesia.

10. The Night Owl

 

The complete opposite of the Early Bird, but just as equally annoying, the Night Owl shows up at the last very minute before the store closes and moseys around like they got all the time in the world.  In theory, the Night Owl shouldn’t be a problem as certain stores tell them to get the hell out and leave, but not every store does that.  In fact, management encourages them to stay as long as they like while disregarding the employees that have to stay for this jackoff to finish making his purchases.
It’s almost like they know what time the store closes and intentionally comes in at the last minute to make your life miserable.  Don’t give me that excuse you get off your shift from cleaning baboon semen off the walls at the zoo at 9:30PM and can only make it to the store after work.  You damn well know Walmart, Target, Radio Shack, Best Buy, Marshalls, Costco’s, and just about every other major retail chain is about all week long, so you come on in on your day off.
Sourced from listhell.blogspot.co.uk
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